I don’t really have anything funny or interesting to say, like, at all about this except, that I am pretty excited that it’s been a year since this website’s creation and it is still kind of entertaining. NEWS!
Let’s take a walk down memory lane with some pictures…
Everyone needs a hobby or two.
I find people watching to be a hilarious activity. I would go as far as to say it is one of my favorite hobbies or pastimes.
However, have you ever tried to implement the reverse people watch mentality? What I mean by that is you set yourself up to be the one gawked at. All the while looking at all the stupidity that surrounds you. I like to sit in an awkward position, wearing clothes that have no business being paired together, finishing the look with a clever or hip hat, along with obnoxious sunglasses. It doesn’t matter if it is day or night, nor does it matter if you look good in hats, the sunglasses and hat really are attention grabbers.
If you’re not quite up to the reverse people watching mentality then a pair of sunglasses in the day time with normal clothes while blending into a bench or a wall will suit you well.
A variation to the above and to the following strategies is to imply the winter hat indoors and the newspaper. People will think you’re reading and you’re smart, but really you’re just looking around trying to find someone to laugh at.
If you’re not sitting, make sure while you’re walking around a mall or some other place that you walk as close as you can to the people that you are people watching. Really get to know them. Make sure you can hear their conversations. Don’t be afraid to mutter something that could be mistaken for an answer in their conversation. It will make them very uncomfortable. Which is hilarity.
Another important aspect of people watching is to hit up the food court. If you’re in a mall I mean. If not, next time you’re eating you can try it at the restaurant. While people eat there is a lot of looking around going on. It doesn’t matter if the person is with 17 people or if there are two. They will chomp on their food and look around. During this chomping and staring around with no sense of purpose to their life, perhaps laughing and spewing particles of food across the table you could be picking out certain individuals to focus your gaze. The key to this is when your victim notices that you’ve been staring at her for three to five minutes, you DO NOT LOOK AWAY! You just keep looking, and hold your facial expression, if you’re smiling remain smiling, if you are vacant of expression, hold it! This will really make people uncomfortable while you on the inside are laughing until your stitches burst. To make this even more enjoyable carry a pad of paper and count how many times you do this to people.
This would probably be more fun with a group of people, but if you’re by yourself it makes it very creepy, and that in itself is hilarious.
Doing any of these things while you’re pretending you have a disability of some sort just makes it all the more interesting.
So, for an interesting day that doesn’t cost a lot of money, try people watching in some of the ways I have described for you.
BTW I am watching you.
So for a long time basketball fans have known about Stan Van Gundy and his awful: style, hair, face and disgusting resemblance to porn star Ron Jeremy.
That’s a big ole yuck on so many levels.
Not only is he gross to look at, his coaching style and attitude is, well, let me just pick a few words that start with a: abrasive, annoying, and abecedarian. The last one I pulled out of my bag of tricks. Look it up, it may or may not apply.
Anyway, here is another picture of how gross Stan Van Gundy is.
The majority of coaches in the NBA have some style. Or at least wear suites that look decent. Stan Van Gundy wears dress pants, suit coat and then like this weird like comfy tee shirt or polo, either way it’s terrible. I don’t get it. Here is the difference between someone dressing like an NBA coach and someone dressing like he slept in his clothes the night before.
Terrible
Better
Another thing about how gross he is, is that he truly doesn’t care at all. Except in one way. He does drink some type of Diet Cola. Which, is a positive.
Anyway, thinking about Stan Van Gundy leaves me confused.
Sorta like this.
Why is dancing so awesome? Dancing is great. Even if you know you’re terrible you love to do it.
Watching people dancing is also awesome. It’s better when they are terrible, but it’s acceptable to watch good dancing.
Dance parties are the best parties. Dance parties at my birthday party is the best combo ever. HINT HINT, SOMEONE THROW ME A BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY!
Dear Oliver,
Let me begin by apologizing that your first assignment has gone so terribly awry. However, I did tell you to get a full tune up before you got to NYC, crazy things happen. Maybe not as crazy as your engine turning into a tripped out poster that stoners would buy from their college poster sale, like I have said, it’s truly unfortunate.
Either way, I am glad to hear from you. I nearly forgot you weren’t busy in Somalia: finding all sorts of facts, making friends, catching a tan, enjoying the view and hanging with pirates.
I have received one letter from your mom asking how your trip was going. Obviously, you haven’t phoned your mother. This lack of concern for your mother makes me question taking you on as an intern. I forgive you. Sometimes mom’s can be a tad overbearing. To put her at ease I sent her an autographed picture of myself, $20 dollars cash and a $25 dollar gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond.
That should make up for the little mishap that her son got himself into.
That reminds me. I’m not to sure that I liked your tone in a part of your sloppy letter. The person that I sent on the story of a lifetime in the beautifully interesting, and yes, at times terrifying country of Somalia was a: modest, hard working, humble reporter. He had big dreams, big hopes and loved big sandwiches. Where is that young man!? It makes me sad. It makes me doubly sad because I know that those sandwiches have expired and the meat and cheese has developed an odor not unlike when you spilled milk in your car, but weren’t aware of it for a week and couldn’t place the odor, but new that something was rotting slowly, somewhere, teasing and haunting you.
So, about Steven Steve Stephens. He’s a saint! A great man! He’s got me out of some serious scrapes with the law. One time an elderly woman asked me to mow her lawn for the summer. I agreed I would manage her lawn. She was a woman that crept across the street, knocked as soft as a bug accidentally flying into a pane of glass and spoke close to your face with a whisper that was inaudible. Our conversation lasted 25 minutes, it was a slow mass of words slithering out of her mouth trying to find my ear.
Anyway. I agreed. I didn’t say I would mow her lawn, I told her I would manage her lawn. She went on vacation to Michigan, somewhere in the mitten she said, I had no idea what she was talking about, she said it was a Michigan thing.
On a day that the sun seemed on top of you, I went across the street and began my job. It took me five hours of relentless work, but I managed. I fenced in her entire lawn. I had then gone to a local goat farm and purchased 30 goats. I placed them inside the fence. You see, goats will eat anything. If you stand next to some, talking away to another person, you will feel a slight tug on your shorts or shirt, look down to find a goat with their three stomachs trying to bite of a piece of your clothing.
When she returned she got out of the car and fell flat on her butt. I was excited. I thought I had really impressed her. It wasn’t until she walked slower than a street sweeper trying to milk extra hours. She knocked as softly as a bubble and glared at the door. I knew something was wrong at that point. She lit into me with all that she could muster. I told her I thought the goats could keep her company. She told me that Alex Trebek, Brian Williams and Regis was all she needed! She sued me for $18,000 dollars, the money she had paid me for the summer ($300 dollars) and psychological damages because one of the goats, I named Sally, tried to chew off her sun dress as well as her fanny pack, while Mrs. Sharrp talked to the Ice Cream Man. The goats also had ate a good portion of the siding from her home.
Anyway, Steven Steve Stephens and his $6,000 dollar suit got me out of that one. So is this deputy girl hot? She has most of her information private on Facebook and she has a picture of an ocean as her profile pic. I can’t make heads or tails of their relationship, Oliver, sorry.
I have to go, people are starring at me. I’m getting too famous to sit at a coffee bar with a sign that says this guy is famous on my table.
Let Steven Steve Stephens do his magic, he’ll get to work. I’ll send him an autographed picture of myself as well as a gift card to Applebees, he’ll be able to take the chick to dinner and come back in with a new attitude.
Stay Strong,
Coyote Rush
Dear Coyote Rush,
I hope this letter reaches you with great speed and finds you in high spirit. As you may have been aware, I have been in a NYC jail for months now. The officers haven’t informed as to why I was arrested or why I haven’t been released. When I ask they glare at me and begin to chuckle. I find it confusing.
The lawyer that has been working with me, that says he knows you, has interesting methods. At first he was really challenging the officers and the judge to get me released, but now it appears his focus is on something else. He spotted the only attractive female deputy and has made it a ritual that he will only come to see me on the days she works. Could you find out if they are Facebook official? I can’t and I don’t blame him, she is pretty, but I have been here since last summer and our trip to Somalia is still important to me, I know there will be plenty of exciting news. Do you think the Shockuation Room could get some of the officers a gift bag to show our might and our power so I could possibly be released?
I imagine you’ve been wondering how I am holding up, this being the longest I’ve ever been away from my home and it’s been in jail. To be honest, I was really scared at first. Now I am just tired, miss my car, mom and the ability to be not in jail. I still get a lot of questions asked to the day I was arrested. All I know is the officer didn’t like what had become of my engine, which I don’t understand myself. My car got a little crazy.
Anyway, back to the lawyer. I don’t think he knows how to do laundry. He curses like a sailor and says things that are related to being a stooge. Like, “why I oughta” and stuff like that. Besides that he’s pretty smooth. I think he has to be with a name like Steven S. Stephens. Could you possibly change his mind on only coming into to see me to hit on his new girlfriend?
Another idea I have is that you could come do a story in NYC and stop by to see if you can get me out of this place? I don’t even know how big my ticket and jail costs are going to be. It is getting a tad out of control.
-Oliver Pepper
Jacksonville, Fl- Tim Tebow was traded today after Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos. The conditions and terms are still being worked out, but it seems that at the crux of the deal is a youth pastor and a dvd of Left Behind that will be shown for one day at all theaters in Denver.
Another condition of the deal is that Tebow replaces the outgoing minister as head pastor and moonlights as QB in his spare time from the community.
Tebow agreed to the pay cut, but refuses to get a hair cut like he did we when joined the Broncos.
This is all the information I have at this time.
It’s been awhile since I have contributed anything, I’ve been busy, almost as busy as the late Kim Jong Il.
NOW, some of you might be saying, “What are you talking about? And how can you ever know how busy he was?” To that I say, “Thanks for wondering.”
For all the people that have seen a Papa John’s commercial and actually remember it, because they are some of the most forgettable commercials that run consistently on television right now. And now you might be wondering, “Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay, in all of your busy Doctoring time, (cutting open brains and such) where do you find time to watch tv?” And to that I say “I watch tv while checking out brains.”
Anyway, Papa John, not only at the end of his commercials, but in real life conversation has a terrible Tourette like tic. Scientists, scholars, sources and people with SERIOUS street cred.
Better ingredients (head twitch, neck bend), Better Pizza (head twitch, neck bend), Papa John’s (massive smile, nearly lose balance head twitch neck bend). Also, during the commercials he may say some random indecipherable phrase or blurt of excitement.
I’m not bashing anyone with a version of Tourettes or anyone that has uncontrollable neck bend, head lower into someone else’s face ordeal, but I can’t even order a pizza from there anymore for fear it really might be Papa coming in and then slowly, casually ducking in to my face for a “better ingredients, better pizza, Papa John’s” (I’m so close and bendy I’m about to kiss ya.)
Unfortunately I do not know a cure for his ailment. Plus, he has enough money that it doesn’t matter how many times he neck bends into your face for an almost kiss as he says his slogan. It works for him.
However, now I must talk about Tourettes and just because Cartmen of South Park fakes having Tourettes and then ends up giving himself the disorder, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
From http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov it states that not a lot is known about what causes Tourettes, but, about 10% of Americans have a mild tic disorder. Far fewer people have more severe forms of Tourette syndrome. Many people with very mild tics may not be aware of them and never seek medical help. Tourette syndrome is four times as likely to occur in boys as in girls.
So, the reason I wrote this really was because it is a real thing and I can’t watch a Papa John’s commercial without wondering if he is tic-ing or if there is a pretty girl by the camera he’s trying to swoon in on.
So until next time, for all health concerns on a variety of important topics, stay right here, in the Shockuation Room.
Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.
-James Dust
So…
We have Syria to discuss.
It’s another ‘revolution’, however, this time the military seems to be squashing the rebels and doing it a little more brutally than Egypt, Libya and other middle east nations that went through this and have came out triumphant.
A nation looking for someone to step up and help them overturn another regime. The USA is once again locked into balancing a decision to be the world police or turning a blind eye and then in a couple years realizing that we could have stepped in and stopped some of the savagery. It’s a difficult decision. Should we get in another conflict? The Senate Armed Services Committee and whatever committee that probably has Carl Levin (Sir Smug) on it has has been grilling Leon Panetta on all the possibilities of doing nothing vs. doing something. The members of the committee are upset because they feel that like in Libya the President didn’t seek approval of Congress. They believe before we get international approval for a coalition of nations, Panetta and the other higher ups need to seek approval from the Congress. It’s another issue of following the Constitution.
It appears that everyone is against putting ground forces in Syria, which is a good thing. John McCain was adamant about leading the cause to help the Syrians. Saying something to the effect that America needs to lead. And assistance without putting troops on the ground, but going ahead with the backing of other nations with an aerial assault on the Syrian government. McCain and Panetta had a heated discussion over the fact that a large “excuse” or reason that we are sitting on our hands instead of stopping the mass murder of Syrian civilians is because the air defense of Syria is more advanced than Libya’s. McCain has a point in saying that America spends a trillion dollars on Defense every year and we’re worried about not being able to take out their air defense.
The decision is very difficult. America was once a nation that stayed away from international conflict, very much isolationist. However, since WWII we have felt the need to send in the troops wherever someone needs help. Which is a good thing. Sadly, there will always be casualties when following that procedure.
No matter the decision, America is going to piss off someone. Becoming involved in another ‘war’ or not doing enough for the human race, innocents dying by orders of a mad man. Could we have done more in Bosnia, Croatia and Kosovo? Yes. How about Somalia, Rwanda, Sudan?
Yes, Rwanda: approximately 800,000 lives lost in genocide. The USA actually came up with a five point plan/reasoning as to why they didn’t go into Rwanda, according to a National Security Archive
1. The U.S. lobbied the U.N. for a total withdrawal of U.N. (UNAMIR) forces in Rwanda in April 1994.
2. Secretary of State Warren Christopher did not authorize officials to use the term “genocide” until May 21, and even then, U.S. officials waited another three weeks before using the term in public.
3. Bureaucratic infighting slowed the U.S. response to the genocide in general.
4. The U.S. refused to jam extremist radio broadcasts inciting the killing, citing costs and concern with international law.
5. U.S. officials knew exactly who was leading the genocide, and actually spoke with those leaders to urge an end to the violence but did not follow up with concrete action
Supposedly, like his inability to understand the terms of sexual relations: Bill Clinton was not completely aware of the severity of the situation in Rwanda. It is claimed that he didn’t know until it had become a big story in the news. How is that for the Commander in Chief being briefed on important day to day important news around the world?
Somalia, non-stop violence to this day, famine, war and the refusal to allow diplomatic aid for the dying Somalians. From famine alone the number of dead is estimated into the anywhere from the ten to thirty thousand. There was some news focused on Somalia this summer, but it seemed that press and photographers attention was quickly drawn away from Somalia and focused on something besides Africa.
Africa is a continent that is in dire need of assistance. Sadly, Africa doesn’t have a lot to offer as in an incentive for America to step up and do something: not a lot of valuable resources, oil wells, business deals. So, thousands of innocent children of Africa continue to die.
Sudan, in which musicians paid tributes to Darfur, sent money and kept a tally of what was going on without doing a lot to actually help people being slaughtered. The USA sure tried, that is by coming up with peace agreements, disbanding of rebels and other silly paper work, that was respected for about three months before they started killing each other again.
I honestly can’t wrap my brain around: genocide, the government seemingly absent of humanity, bombing their own citizens day after day, famine killing 30,000 children, it’s impossible for me. I think that’s what makes it so sad for me. I can read and look at the pictures and read some more, but I will never truly understand the pain, fear and hopelessness of a situation of that magnitude. It’s shocking that it still happens everyday in the world. I will never understand.
Back in America, where we act like we have it so bad, we have a few things to discuss. It doesn’t compare to what I’ve mentioned, but how about jobs and unemployment to discuss, which no one seems to care about anymore. Even if they are pretending to come up with some jobs initiative, which will be a bunch of garbage that doesn’t solve anything, unemployment rates are still around 8 or 9 percent which everyone is totally cool with.
We have the republican nominee campaign going on. Which I wish no one cared about. Or could realize that Mitt Romney is terrible and the longer Santorum still thinks he’s going to beat him: the longer we have to deal with both of them saying the EXACT same things, but becoming more and more unlikeable. Things like, “hey we should beat Obama!” The platform of, “yeah, at least we’re not Obama, look at all the bad things he’s done.”
Dear Republican nominees: “what are you going to implement when you get to Washington?”
Romney/Santorum: “We promise we won’t be Obama, and we’ll do WHATEVER is popular.”
Other people that wish they would get more attention and the next one in my mind deserves more legitimate consideration than the first two confused career politicians condemning each other of being career politicians. Where is Herman Cain when you need him? Making PIZZAS! That’s right! Holla at ya boy!
Ron Paul: How did we win the election in the year 2000? We talked about a humble foreign policy: No nation-building; don’t police the world. That’s conservative, it’s Republican, it’s pro-American – it follows the founding fathers. And, besides, it follows the Constitution.
Newt Gingrich: I didn’t make any money from Fannie Mae… Yes, I did, but that’s none of your beeswax. The real estate market is doing great for people that have the money to buy all the foreclosed property! Think about it that way. POSITIVITY IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY… P.S. Romney is a douche.
Obama: hahahahahahaha (Raises more money, has more speeches written, throws parties, fills out his NCAA basketball tournament bracket. Buys more suites, shoots some hoops)
“Do you really want to vote for any of those clowns?”
And something blue…
Does history ever make you sad
You can study all you can
You may try and it can turn you mad
Apply it to your life
Strife can force you to imply
The simple remembrance of today’s folly
Trepidation and meditation
Loathing and introspection
Moaning and Self-Probing
Weakening the wall
It only takes one claw
Think back to that first slice
Sadly it won’t take much to recall
0jam-
