The Shockuation Room

After resting comfortably in my hotel: being catered to breakfast in bed and my crew of Ethiopian guards continuing to put white powder in most of my food, claiming it was powdered sugar or whatever else they could think of, I decided it was finally to take the big step for what I’ve been dreaming about for the past eleven months. Somalia- the beautiful. I hadn’t been more hyper for the past couple weeks in my whole life.

Before leaving Addis Ababa, I made sure to get a visa that would hopefully allow my entrance into Somalia rather smoothly.

I wanted to get right to the crossing of the border into Somalia, but before I did I was stopped by the U.S. State Department that was in Somalia, they had a lot of information and were very concerned about my entering into Somalia. I didn’t understand the problems, but they laid them out in a five hour meeting. My guards brought me random things with white powder involved every 90 minutes or so.

The State Department had a lot of information that they made copies for me. This cut down extensively on the journalism I needed to do. The officials said as long as I credited their work I could use as much as I needed. I was rather excited to cross the border until they started in with the information they felt was necessary for my travel into Somalia and finally Mogadishu, the capital of Somalia.

The officials, which sat in large comfortable chairs, had me in the middle of the room so I could only see about three of the eleven officials that were about to unload too much information that I was unaware of.. But, I had a job to do! I couldn’t tell if this woman was an official or was just hanging out in the room sitting in the biggest chair of them all.

“Oliver, the wisest looking of the bunch began, “I’m going to be frank the United States does not recommend entering Somalia.” He was called Amir Budakon Shaka-Adheif.

“Uh, ok.” I said. “Why are you advising against me crossing into Somalia, reporting the mood, atmosphere and looking at the beautiful country?

“Mr. Pepper, the United States has no U.S. Embassy or other U.S. diplomatic presence in Somalia. Consequently, the U.S. government is not in a position to assist or effectively provide services to U.S. citizens in Somalia. In light of the serious security threats, the U.S. government recommends that you avoid all travel to Somalia. Are you able to understand why and what we are warning you about?”

“I understand completely, sir. I have to agree to disagree with you, if that is how you use that statement?”

“It’s close enough, Oliver. You understand that we can not stop you from going into Somalia or any part of that area: Somalialand, Puntland and the rest of Somalia. I am also surprised and happy to see you have managed to surround yourself with Ethiopian troops.”

“Mr.Budakon Shaka-Adheif, I actually have no clue where they came from and why they are following and willing to protect me as we pass into Somalia. They think I’m funny, maybe, my glasses and mustache amuse them, plus I think they love seeing me get tweaked on all the cultural delicacies of Ethiopia, do most of the food here contain a white powder or added to most drinks?”

“This group of men have just been following you around out of no where? They have been showing you the sights around Ethiopia and you haven’t asked them or haven’t paid them a dime? And no, that powder I believe sounds like cocaine. But we all love a little coke. Where is the group now?”

“They are standing outside talking and smoking non filtered Pall Malls. Look outside.”

“I just have to keep spouting information that I feel you need to know, Mr. Pepper. Now, please listen: the security situation inside Somalia remains unstable and potentially dangerous. Terrorist operatives and armed groups in Somalia have demonstrated their intent to attack air operations at Mogadishu International Airport. Kidnapping, murder, illegal roadblocks, banditry, and other violent incidents and threats to U.S. citizens and other foreigners can occur in any region. Inter-clan and inter-factional fighting flares up with little or no warning. Unpredictable armed conflicts among rival militias are prevalent in southern Somalia, particularly in and around Mogadishu. This has resulted in the deaths of countless Somali nationals and the displacement of more than one million people.”

I started cautiously, “That doesn’t sound as pleasant as Coyote Rush described Somalia to me.”

“Yes, Mr. Pepper, it isn’t much of a beautiful place at all.”

“It’s ok, the show must go on. I must continue my journey into Somalia.”

The meeting went on for hours, so when I excited my group gave me a Pepsi with white powder.

Tomorrow we will enter Somalia.

Contemplation and decisions
Complications and derision

The kiss and a hug
The pull and a tug

In the dark night there is no light
Everything is alright

What to do with the lights
These thoughts come out at night

Is everything alright?

Have you made up your mind?

Is everything alright?

Why does this happen every night?
Is everything alright?

And I’m making it stranger than it is
But you’re making it harder than it is
And I’m sleeping like a sieve
So I’m reaching for you like a kid

Is everything alright?
Is everything just fine?
Just tell me one more time
Everything is fine

Is everything alright?
Tell me one more time
Just tell me one more time
Everything is fine
Now is everything alright?

Maybe I’m not supposed to know
Either way I’m feeling pretty low
Is everything alright?

Is the world supposed to know?

If everything is fine
If everything is alright
The day becomes the night
Then it’s time to say good bye
But everything is alright
Because everything is fine

BOUVET ISLAND, NORWAY — There is an incredibly serious issue sweeping the globe.

According to a completely unofficial and incomplete survey conducted recently, there is an alarming rate of confusion regarding what constitutes a job. At the forefront of the issue are stay-at-home mothers who have determined that stay-at-home mothering is an acceptable thing to enter into the “employment” field of their social networking profiles. (When I say this, please note I am a woman myself and therefore inherently exempt from being classified as sexist.)

This is senseless, and I will illustrate that an important minority group falls victim to these untrue claims of employment: babies.

The guilty party clearly lacks understanding when it comes to the way the world works, and their ignorance is actually harmful. If you have a job–working for someone and making money–then you can say it’s your job. If you have a brood of ankle-biters whom you care for, that is not supposed to be considered a job. I believe that saying so would be extremely offensive to your babies. In fact, experts have attributed this senseless phenomenon as the cause of rising infantile depression rates (marked by symptoms such as: incessant crying with no known remedy, screaming, biting, or running oneself into objects). All babies want is love, not to be treated as objects that you are employed to clean, fuel, and maintain.

I myself have a family which consists of eight human children under the age of 16 months, and eleven horses who will be confined to wheelchairs for the rest of their lives. Do you think that it is easy to care for them? No. But I would never try to claim that doing so is my job. To the contrary, my job as listed on all of my internet profiles is a perfectly honest one: Gangster. As a gangster, I work for an acclaimed Gang Chief Executive Officer named D. E. Aldobrandino. I make an honest income through this employment, and I definitely don’t harm the dignity of baby children.

In conclusion, I beg you to realize the terrible situation you place your children in when claiming that motherhood is your job. Exhibit respect toward your babies, rather than continuing with this senseless insult to their fragile human dignity.

We are proud to welcome our newest member of the Shockuation Room, Izzy Baconski.

Here is her bio! Get used to her!

Izzy Baconski –

Izzy Baconski is rumored to be a mysterious, reclusive woman. She supposedly lives in a remote, cave-like structure and has a propensity for adopting two-legged animals, particularly horses. Those who’ve heard of her say that she survives on a strictly fruitarian diet, except for the occasional steak or heavily processed snack food. Izzy, however, could not be reached for comment, and literally none of these statements have been confirmed.

This is where Ethiopia is… It’s called the horn of Africa.

Or it looks like this

Interesting facts about Ethiopia:

1. It is the second most populous nation in Africa, with an estimated over 85 million humans living there.
2. Its Capital, Addis Ababa is also the Capitol and a state. And regarded around Africa as “the political Capital of Africa.”
3. Ethiopia is the world’s most populous landlocked country in the world.
4. Ethiopia has over 80 languages.
5. The general area of Ethiopia, is widely believed to be the site of the emergence of early Homo sapiens, 400,000 years ago.

This is what the flag of Ethiopia looks like:

On my tour I saw some splendid sights. This is a picture of Bete Giyorgis Lalibela:

These are the people that showed me all the wonderful sights of Ethiopia, they were very nice.:

Here is another great place my well armed friends took me to. It is called the Blue Nile Falls. A child was playing a noise maker that made my ears literally bleed, blood, out of my ear holes. I still enjoyed the waterfall as well as how much my company was laughing at my mustache and my bleeding ears! HI! OH!

This is what Ethiopia’s currency looks like, it’s called The Ethiopian Birr:

and

There was a little weirdness that comes along with these next few photos. One of my company: the one that had the most extreme looking gun, at lunch, took out a bag of white powder and smeared it across his gums. He then looked at me and dumped a hefty portion of the bag into my Pepsi. I thought this was common cultural behavior, so I said thank you. He said something that I didn’t understand, the rest all laughed at me. I laughed to. I ate my Sparrow with whatever sauce and downed my Pepsi. About a half hour later, the African Pepsi’s caffeine kicked in, big time. I couldn’t stop talking. I was frantically motioning at people and things, I caused a traffic accident. After several hours I realized that the reason I had become so hyper was not because of the African Pepsi, it was because I am quite certain that it was cocaine. Sorry mom, sorry Coyote Rush, sorry James Dust, sorry robots, sorry Brenda Johnson, sorry Henry Van Loon. Even though I remember some long nights with you guys in which non of us could stop talking, it was late, it was hazy, so who knows.

The pictures however are of the amazing, stunning, wondrous, nearly only can be explained as you are hallucinating while viewing it: Addis Ababa Exhibition Center.

My company of heavily armed, uniformed individuals told me in broken English that I should go back to my hotel and relax for a couple days. The trip across Ethiopia was going to be very hard and they would need more white powder if they were to be my security into Somalia.

That makes me wonder, how are we paying for this trip? This credit card looks fake and we have no money? Is there something I should know Coyote?

-Oliver Pepper

This is Oliver Pepper! I’m out of jail. Steven Steve Stephens married the beautiful deputy that he was in love with and was finally able to focus on my case.

I really didn’t have a case. My car, ted, that looks like this as you may have forgot, was normal on the outside, but under the bonnet or hood it had turned into a magical land of fantasy and fiction. Let me remind you of what happened.

“It looked as if I had opened the hood to find a mythical city. There was a waterfall where the battery belonged, Unicorns frolicked to and fro, there was a wizard sitting on a lily pad and of course there were Shruberbubery Trees. I blinked my eyes continuously, but nothing changed! I shut the hood repeatedly and still nothing changed. Ted, what is going on!??! Of course there was no response. I felt a rush of panic coming over me. I tried to keep my composure, but it was difficult as I was close to JFK, but now had a vehicle that had a magical land where the engine was supposed to be!”

I was arrested for not having papers to harness a level four village powering my Fiat.

I have been in this jail since August. It hasn’t been all bad, I meant a nice man by the name of Biff, another by the name of Butch. They were ok with me.

Anyway, Steven Steve Stephens, my attorney, had found a loop hole in the system for when your whole engine and parts that power your car turn into a magical land. It is a law in New York City, that if you are driving a Fiat on the way to Somalia and your working parts that power the car turn into a magical land, you are to be escorted by the National Guard to get on the plane to Somalia, because no one wants to go Somalia. So, forgive the Fiat and the fantasy under the hood.

So, yeah, I spent a lot of time in the clink. I think some people sort of forgot about me, it’s ok, it was the first time that I had been out of town.

So, I got to JFK. I was soon saddened by a misunderstanding that Ethiopian Airlines normally were scheduled to fly out of Washington D.C. Sadly, I have been and am in NYC. But, Steven Steve Stephens made some calls after his lust for the deputy was calmed he was truly a good asset.

Ethiopian Airlines was going to make a pit stop at JFK to fly me over to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. I would stay there for a few days and then be welcomed by hoards of excited people to Somalia!

I was excited to be out of jail and on my way!

There were eleven passengers on the flight, there were tourists. The had Hawaiian shirts on and maps flapping out of every suitcase, bag and pocket. They seemed to all know each other quite well. They didn’t really include me in the conversation. But, I was happy because they were excited and happy and drinking a lot of cocktails. The plane would have ran out of booze if the passengers themselves hadn’t have brought a half gallon of vodka a piece.

Their shirts looked like this:

Their booze they brought looked like this:

I didn’t drink cocktails I needed to stay sharp. I was busy eating antacids, aspirin, apples and apricots, washing it down with apple cider.

The plane looked like this

The trip looked like this!

We flew and flew. Hours went by, we were over the ocean for quite a while. It is 6932 miles from NYC to Addis Ababa, the Capitol of Ethiopia!

My co-passengers got pretty rowdy, telling crude jokes and farting. They didn’t talk to me. They made many comments about my mustache and my glasses. I didn’t mind, I find pride in both. But, if they would have talked about my FIAT! Look out!

I finally fell asleep, the flight lasted 14 and a half hours.

We touched down. I was in Africa. This was the view from my Hotel!

It’s been a long day, I will continue correspondence with you as soon as I am able.

Yours In Africa,

Oliver Pepper

Shelbyville, Indiana-

A local man named George A. Luffalone is so cranky.

I went to Shelbyville to see how serious this case of crankiness is.

Let me tell you, it’s pretty serious. And he’s serious and dang he is not fun to be around.

Luffalone, 29, single and cranky as hell has not had a good week. He works two minimum wage jobs and surprisingly hates them both. I asked Luffalone if he has any friends. He said, “Well, kinda, but at the moment no one responds to my texts or phone calls. I also keep posting statuses like ‘FML!’ And ‘why me?! ‘” No one even likes or comments.

He continued, “It’s frustrating, I think it’s a vicious cycle,” he said as snotty as possible while lurching closer to my face. After leering at me, looking dangerous and being a mere four to five inches from my face, for a few seconds, he told me that he also hated my: hair, eyes, clothes, body spray, shoes, car, cell phone, and pen and paper. I apologized and had him give me the names, numbers and addresses of his few friends, that talk to him when he isn’t actually in a funk, he told me to “do whatever you want with them, I don’t even care anymore, just do whatever, come back and talk to me later if you want, but I don’t really care at all. I’m serious. Seriously, just do whatever, I understand if you don’t come back, it’s because I’m CRANKY, whatever the hell that means.”

“Fair enough” I said.

After the conversation with Mr. Luffalone, I checked in on the first friend on the list. The first friend was a man by the name of Darren Kiddmestone. I asked him how long had his friend George been cranky this time. He told me that he is “normally pretty fun to be around, but then out of nowhere he just starts sending people texts about how much he hates his jobs then somehow it turns into him being pissed off at us that we didn’t take him out for drinks or mozzarella sticks. I mean he could at least suggest he wants it, we’re pretty good friends.” He told me that this bout of crankiness has been going on for two and a half weeks consecutively. Not a minute of it has been uncranky.

So being the Dr. of The Shockuation Room I decided to list some factors that cause crankiness and maybe a few ways to break through the crankiness.

Let me try to get a general description of what cranky means. There are subtle levels of cranky so that makes it a little difficult. However, I will continue to try to define cranky!

1. Fussiness

2. Fussiness, along with death stares.

3. Being insufferable and pissy toward every suggestion and situation. Even if the person suggesting something is being rather friendly.

4. Seriously, I’m going to smack a bitch if you don’t shut up.

5. Seriously, I’m going to smack a bitch if you don’t shut up and I’m going to go one step farther and straight up murder anyone that tries to be nice to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, everyone has these days. Hopefully they don’t actually turn in assault or first degree murder. It is acceptable to be cranky, it happens. However, it becomes very frustrating for the people around you.

Here are some causes for crankiness…

1. Lack of good sleep- People do not do well when they don’t sleep well. Or do not sleep the amount they are used to sleeping. This can cause crankiness and the person doesn’t even realize it.

2. The people you are around can cause crankiness- If you are a working person and your bosses/coworkers are down right bad people or just have bad attitudes this can extremely affect the way you act during work and when you come home. Not only that it might lead to some pretty pissed off text messages.

3. Stress is a giant factor in causing someone to be cranky. Stress can come from a variety of situations, activities, and other reasons.

4. Supposedly there has been a study that genes in women can actually make you susceptible for a cranky disposition. “Genetic variations that deal with the body’s mood management chemistry are linked with anger, aggression and hostility in women,” according to a University of Pittsburgh study. “The results counter some common beliefs that women are to blame for their hostility. And genetic tests for anger could help predict a woman’s likelihood of other anger-related diseases.” Women who had greater tendency toward aggressive and angry behaviors had lower levels of serotonin in their system.

5. Caffeine- Caffeine as much as people feel they need it, it can cause anxiety and eventually crankiness.

So that’s some reasons you could get cranky.

Here are some suggestions to help alleviate the crankiness.

1. Find a rewarding activity or hobby. Like sports, reading, writing, listening to music or some exercise in general. Also, try to focus on these activities instead of reverting your thinking on the ideas that have put you into this mood.

2. Catch up on your sleep! Personally, I am very bad at having a set sleep schedule. Mine is all over, which probably causes me to be cranky without even knowing it. But, if you get a chance to get to bed a little earlier than normal, you should take that opportunity.

3. At work try to find people with more positive moods. Sometimes it is impossible to be around people that are cheery at work. However, if you can’t find more positive people, attempt to not let their mood transfer to your mood.

4. Try doing some of your routine the opposite way. If you are finding yourself doing the same thing over and over and getting more and more upset, this could be a very worthwhile option. Albert Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

5. Make sure you are eating enough and getting the right balance of food in your diet.

I didn’t go back and talk to Mr. Luffalone, he was way too cranky.

Good luck Shelbyville!

Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

[Don’t read this: Random words: (Teleprompters, speech writers, off the cuff comments!)]

Politics is something that everyone loves. It’s great! Who doesn’t love discussing it with your neighbor, your best friend, your dog, your grandpa, well, no one, and that’s because everyone has the exact same views! It’s wonderful. I’m going to try something different than what I used to do… Which was think for myself. From now on, I am going to believe and trust everything that any politician says: if it makes sense or not, if you can tell that the person saying something is lying while they are saying it, I will believe it with all my heart, even if it is a promise or a dream that we all know will never come true. This means I will trust: Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, Communists, Socialists and the mute. At the least we can know they all meant well, right? How stupid was I to think for myself? I wish someone would tell me.

According to every fan of Obama, President Bush is responsible for every terrible thing that is happening or will happen as long as he is the President. I know some people that are perfectly on board with that and some that aren’t. It doesn’t matter what I used to believe because today is a new day! I believe all words that everyone in power says! Starting with the top!!! But, don’t forget the little guys and gals!

This is what Bush thinks of all that stuff I said…

“I understand everybody in this country doesn’t agree with the decisions I’ve made. And I made some tough decisions. But people know where I stand.” George W. Bush

Just to prove how right he is listen to this!

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” George W. Bush

This goes for the Presidential nominee Mitt Romney! I can’t wait to turn into CNN and listen to all his quotes!!!

So, let’s get started. I will throw some quotes on from the past, I know hindsight is twenty twenty and that’s exactly why former quotes will make so much sense. And yes, not all of them are about important political issues, but instead just day to day quotes which show us just how brilliant our leaders are.

I WILL BELIEVE IN OUR LEADERS! Their wisdom is what is going to keep this country strong!

I will start with Joe Biden… He has been getting some flack from people. The critics are saying he is more of a burden or a liability toward President Obama. I think that’s a bunch of poo-ey. Sheesh. He’s the Vice President, obviously Obama knew he was a great guy.

This was Biden when he was proving points about McCain in the last election. Just check out how right he is and how much it makes sense.

“If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It’s a pretty hard experience. He’ll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at.” -Joe Biden on how poor McCain’s floor plan is.

Yeah, why would you design to have seven kitchen tables in your home?

I think my house should only be kitchen tables.

And this could happen to anyone, sometimes you forget what or why you’re at an event for and you say a wonderful thing to a wonderful man, completely in context, completely gracefully.

“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”
—Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair.

So, like I mentioned, Mitt Romney he’s cool. He’s from Michigan, right? His dad was the Governor of Michigan, at least I think know that much. He was the Governor of Massachusetts, which is spelled super weird. Seriously. He became a Mormon Missionary, after he went to Stanford for a year. This guy is hard to keep up with, but I bet he has some wisdom with all these moves and different businesses and Mormony type things he’s up to. I honestly don’t understand how he got all this stuff done in the time he did, he was a busy dude. Plus, he has like five kids. He just becomes CEO of a company at 30 years old? No big deal. Then like I said, yeah he just drops in and says yeah might as well
be the governor of Massachusetts.

Wow.

He said this once…

And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, ‘It could be worse.’ It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.

I don’t know what he’s talking about, but darn tootin’ he’s right. Just insert some more things that you hear he says, because honestly I’m having a hard time finding him saying anything. All I know is he has a decent hair cut. He probably has a nice business card too.

We can’t forget the current President.

“We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad.” – Barack Obama

Bill Clinton, the darnedest things:

“The economy has produced 6.1 million jobs since I became president, and if Michael Jordan comes back to the Bulls, it will be 6,100,001 jobs.” –Bill Clinton, in 1995

“It depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” –Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair

“It depends on how you define alone…” –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

“There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were.” –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

“I may not have been the greatest president, but I’ve had the most fun eight years.” –Bill Clinton

All quotes are found easily on the internet and may or may not be true, but I think they are all true.

Miller has came out with a new can that makes slamming a beer easier than ever!

To all the people that have issues with drinking more than one beer per hour (binge drinking) Miller has created a beer top that is sure to make:
1. Alcoholics

2. Rednecks

3. College students

4. NASCAR fans

5. Teenagers

6. And just all around pass out in the street drunks

ALL SUPER PUMPED!!

Long passed are the days in which you had to open a beer can and drink a beer as fast as you can with the possibility of having foamy, fizzy beer slipping out of your mouth as you chug with many inebriated bystanders cheering you on drunkenly.

If you aren’t into shotgunning beer, fear not. Another reason for the punch top beer can is it allows for an easier pouring experience. So, if you like your beer poured elegantly into a glass it offers a smoother pour. So, if you’re like a normal person that finds pouring a beer into a glass as difficult as if you were a third grader following a lecture on Quantum Physics, Miller is busy solving problems.

So, Miller hasn’t adopted a slogan that says: Miller Punch Top: Not Binging is For Your Parents! I think they are possibly on the verge of accepting that slogan in which I have submitted to Miller.com on multiple occasions after learning about the punch top.

So, if you’re drinking, please let me know how it works.

Wait, you’ve accidentally drank 5 beers in a half hour because how smooth those beers pour. Nevermind, I don’t expect a response.

-James Dust