Man Takes Television Commercial Way Too Serious

Boring, Oregon- An area resident named Patches Mcguildersnot, an avid television viewer did something rather unusual.

I took the first EVER bullet train in America to get there.

Sadly, they don’t exist in the USA, for whatever reason. Unknowingly, I waited at a train depot for a period of time that is between five minutes and three years awaiting its arrival. I need to start calling ahead more.

My alternate mode of transportation was my next best option, my back up to my back up vehicle. I burned thirty-eight cds for the trip, so I took those and some extra clothes I threw into an abandoned wood stove I was given as a present by a late uncle and proceeded to get into my 1995 red Chevy Astro Van.

The roughly 609 mile trip was spent singing Africa by Toto and other 80’s classics like Lady in Red by Chris DeBurgh, and every single Madonna song that came out during that decade.

As I pulled into town I was instantly bored. My cd player obviously fed up with playing 80’s jams quit working. The air conditioning, sensing the moment to join in the anarchy started blowing air with the aroma of stale kitten breath was shut off promptly.

Walking up the driveway to Mcguildersnot’s residence I saw and heard a very peculiar sight and sound. Patch, as he likes people that come from out of state to call him, was hanging out the window of his second story home screaming “It’s my money and I need it now!” Over and over and over. And over and over and over, seriously. I don’t know how he does it.

When I managed to get him to stop for a moment to answer my question of “Mr. Mcguildersnot could you tell me a little about what you’re doing right now?” He stopped and said, “I’m so sick of these commercials suggesting something in their advertisement and it being completely unreliable. I have, for the last two days rotated between this window and my telephone. I come up here and yell it’s my money and I need it now. Then walk down stairs, pick up the phone and call J.G. Wentworth to ask where my money is. I’ve been yelling out my window to all of God’s creation and it’s no where to be found. I’m just sick of it. Last year, I found a caveman, brought him home and tried to get him to sign me up for insurance through Gieco. It didn’t work.”

At press release he was wandering through town dressed as the King from Burger King trying to hand out hamburgers he made himself.

Stay Tuned

Coyote Rush

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I Know What You Are Going To Do… Maybe

आप इसे देखा, सोचा क्या बिल्ली चल रहा था, तो नकल की और यह अनुवाद डिवाइस में चिपकाया.

याहू

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Miss Universe Mistakenly Thinks Intelligence Matters

In a tragic misunderstanding, it was recently discovered that the newly crowned pageant queen Leila Lopes thought her intelligence, ambition, and all-around worldliness brought her the coveted title of Miss Universe 2011. In an exclusive Shockuation interview, Leila told us she was devastated to hear that the judges just thought she was really hot.

“I thought it meant something that I was in school, well-traveled, and wanted to dedicate the next several years of my life to AIDS/HIV research and awareness,” Leila wept. “But after the pageant was over, I got to review my score cards and they all had obscene drawings on them and comments like ‘I can see your ribs…so sexy!'”

Leila’s past in the pageant world has been rocky: after winning Miss Angola UK 2010 (which made her officially eligible to be in the Miss Universe pageant), there were protests about the validity of her victory because…well, what is she? Angolan, or British?

One devoted Miss Universe pageant watcher, Dottie Kwacheck of Milwaukee, said the confusion around Leila’s birthplace confused her. “Everyone kept saying she was from Africa, so I thought, ‘Oh, how wonderful would it be if one of them little kids with the flies all around ’em got the title of Miss Universe!’ But then someone else said she was from England, which don’t make any sense because she’s got beautiful teeth.”

“None of it even matters now,” Leila said. “I was clearly only picked because of my physical beauty. I mean, I thought this competition really meant something.”

When the Shockuation Room caught up with some of the judges for the pageant, they seemed surprised that Leila wasn’t already aware of the judging criteria. Model and pageant judge Isabeli Fontana said, “Did she really think that me, as a model, cared about anything other than how she looked?” She also noted that Leila has great abs.

Panel judge Farouk Shami said he tried to be as selective a possible, but that his decision essentially had nothing to do with anything other than the evening gown competition. “The thing of most importance to me is how much their clavicles stick out of their chest. If I can see their hip bones jutting out, that’s a bonus. And, I mean, boobs….gotta have em. Leila’s…well she’s got the ‘it’ factor.” Shami then put his right index finger on his rear end and said “Tssss!”

We caught up with pageant judge Connie Chung as she was leaving a Popeye’s restaurant, who simply said, “I’d do her.”

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Company You’ve Never Heard Of Releases Worst Phone In The Last Five Years

Atlanta, GA- In 2010 Pantech a company no one has ever heard of and no one could care less about released their new phone the Pantech Link. It is without a doubt the crappiest phone anyone could buy. Pantech is a South Korean company with its wireless headquarters in Atlanta. I went there to have a few words with their founder.

Beyong-Yeop Park, the founder and CEO rushed out of the office building when I pulled into the nearly deserted parking lot screaming in an almost incomprehensible whirl all newish slang and foreign who knows whats its. This is what it sounded like, “Cayote Roof, you may it to my cribby! I so excite that you decide to pay me visitation! Are you read for my new jelly?”

Not having any idea how to respond I told him “yes, very much excite.”

Beyong-Yeop Park told me to “Please come in quick lee.”

I did.

The Pantech Link is a phone that tries to be a smart phone, but comes off more as a really, really stupid phone with a self righteous attitude. Park continued to explain to me the great gadget they created in his usual ‘WTF’ manner. (I tried to make the following a little more understandable while keeping his flare for words) “There are two feature we are extremely excited about, Canine! The first one has to do with text messaging. When you are type a message, the send butt is so close to the butt that take you out of the message that if you hit the butt it will take you right way from your message and it doesn’t save to a draft! The whole message is just gone! We wove it! Oh, and if you decide you don’t want to send a message once you press send, it’s too late, it’s gawn! The second feat we are so pump about is how over 65% of the buttons on the phone take you stray to the world wide internets web infromation. Even if you don’t have that on your plan, bam! INTERNET!”

All in all it’s the worst phone to come out in a long time, possibly the worst phone ever.

Stay Tuned.

Coyote Rush

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Local Woman Has Earth Changing Realization

Toledo, OH- Local woman Sherri Higginmelonsmithsonton, 41 was sitting in her favorite chair reading the sports section of the Toledo Blade when she suddenly dropped it on the ground and exclaimed to no one in particular “I’m pretty sure that the hardest job in the United States would be the President.” After this deeply personal inner reflection she stood up, walked to the office, turned on the computer, typed in www.facebook.com and updated her status as follows: “I know some of you aren’t going to agree with me, but if you don’t like it just delete me or I will delete you, but I sorta think that being the President of the United States has to be hardest job in America, or at least Washington, D.C.”

At press release Sherri had one like and twenty one comments, most of them stating that actually their jobs were tougher and of higher stress day to day. Sherri hasn’t deleted anyone yet.

Stay Tuned.

Coyote Rush

P.S.

Oliver Pepper is still in jail.

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Facebook?

Somewhere in the land of Internets there is this thing called Facebook. It looks like this…

Here is the latest quote on Facebook from its creator.

Facebook is going through changes to decrease the functionality of the website. Please enjoy.
-Mark Zuckerberg

The quote was sparked by hours and hours of error messages and constant changing of layouts on the website. Zuckerberg was also quoted to say, “I’m really only trying to get old people off the site.” The first day the “newish” layout was unveiled was Justin Marshall’s birthday. Zuckerberg had this to say about his decision to reveal the change, “I knew it was that Justin Marshall’s birthday and I really wanted to overshadow his birthday with the continuous griping of the Facebook community. He still ended up getting like 500 notifications for his birthday, but imagine if I wouldn’t have put in that update.”

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Scientology: Why it makes so much sense.

Now, I know that I’m only stating a fact with that headline and don’t really need to go on, but I will tell you a little more about just why it does make a lot of sense.

Scientology is created from the writings by L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard, in 1953 finally admitted to what we all knew and called it a religion by founding the Church of Scientology in Camden, New Jersey.

Let me get down to brass tax, Scientology makes a lot of sense, I will tell you why.

Reasons why Scientology is flawless:

1. L. Ron Hubbard Founded it! This is L. Ron Hubbard…
At least I think it is.

2. L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer.

That’s right, he wrote science fiction short stories and novels. Who else would be better to determine between fact and fiction than a man that writes fiction for a living? You’re correct, no one.

Score one for L. Ron!

3. The symbol for Scientology looks like a Christian cross with something exploding at its crux.

So that makes sense.

4. L. Ron Hubbard was quoted as saying, “You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” So, no wonder it makes sense.

So, all in all it’s a flawless thing. I mean, think about it, Tom Cruise is a member!

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Soldiers Celebrate First Day of ‘Ask, Tell’

WASHINGTON – In a landmark decision on Tuesday, the U.S. military repealed the policy known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” a ban that President Barack Obama said has caused gay and lesbian soldiers to “lie about their true identities.”

Shortly after midnight on Tuesday, the new legislation took effect, ushering in a new era commemorated as “Ask, Tell” by military insiders. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Michael Mullen promised to acknowledge similar matters of equal opportunity, including allowing women to serve openly in the military.

American soldiers stationed throughout the world celebrated today by relentlessly questioning their comrades’ sexual orientation, including Sgt. Tyler Herbst stationed in Kandahar, Afghanistan. “Ever since we met in Basic Training, I’ve been dying to ask Cpl. Jackson if he’s a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Many American servicemen and women share Herbst’s views. Others, such as Air Force Capt. Jennifer Consuelos, have expressed their relief at seeing DADT come to an end. “I’ve been serving this country for nearly ten years, and yet I have had to live a double life. There were so many of us living in fear of the day that we might accidentally ask a soldier about his or her sexual orientation.”

Reports have surfaced from the United States Military Academy in West Point that cadets have been reporting for a unique variety of “Show and Tell” to ring in the new age of military veracity.

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Scientists Suspect World’s Largest Woman Actually Eddie Murphy

Scientists are saying this week that the current Guinness World Record holder for world’s largest woman may actually be Eddie Murphy in prosthetic makeup. Though they have gathered no solid DNA proof, hundreds of hours of video footage have been sifted through and analyzed with a fine toothed comb.

Edna Clump, the L.W. in question, is a 62 year old stay at home wife. Her husband, who wished only to be referred to as “Papa Clump,” only had this to say. “As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table [farts].” Over the course of four months, analysis has proved that the flatulence being passed during dinnertime was deemed too comical to be “real life.”

Further data has shown that this isn’t the first time Mr. Murphy has pulled something like this. Samples from as far back as 1988’s Coming to America have supported the theory that he has used makeup and computer enhancements to alter his image so drastically that he is able to dupe an entire continent about his identity.

Although there is still a long way to go in research and technological advancements, scientists are confident in investing more time, money, and effort into the issue. They also haven’t ruled out completely the fact that this woman in question could very well be Martin Lawrence. “Not in Big Mama’s House.”

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