Nice to see you again folks. It’s been an outstanding and investigative summer. I apologize for being away for so long, but when you’re in the thick of researching it’s hard to pull away. This summer’s expedites has led to some amazing and exquisitely dangerous discoveries. Please take caution from this point forward and know that this is information that the government and the “others” do not want you to know.
One morning after a heavy night of drinking with Mrs. Blurpin, I awoke and realized that I had a huge desire for some coffee to deprive me of this ear splitting headache which was the result of three beers, four spiked corn pops (I still have a huge stock in the bunker), and six and a half merryanne shots (a combination of miracle whip, egg yolk, and rum). After downing three cups of the black sludge, I soon realized that this really was not helping me at all, but I still maintained a huge desire to consume more along with an almost irresistible urge to watch CNN or Fox News. This folks, is when it hit me.
The entire world is addicted to coffee. Why is that you may ask? The obvious answer is that coffee is an alien produced drug created to control or destroy the populace of Earth. Let’s briefly look at the history of coffee for some clues.
The earliest accounts of coffee drinking do not appear in the historical record until the 15th century CE in Yemen. From there it spread to the Middle East by the 16th century and to Europe and the Americas shortly thereafter. The geography of Yemen is primarily desert, highlands, and mountainous. For thousands of years the early people of Yemen were great traders because of its strategic location on the Arabian Peninsula. Yemen acted as a crossroad between eastern and western civilizations connecting a vast amount of trade and cultural influences. One notable kingdom of Yemen was the Sabaeans who came to power as early as the 11th century BCE. However, how is it that these great commercial caravan tribes of Yemen never utilized coffee as an export or discovered its addictive or stimulating effects until the 1500’s CE? This is a civilization in which trade was heavily depended upon for a way of life. They utilized the land in every aspect by cultivating and exporting spices such as frankincense and myrrh, in which they gained their primary wealth, and other goods such as fish, hides, precious metals and fruits which were also heavily traded. However, no one thought to try a coffee bean or to grind it up and put it in to some sort of feed for animals or even use it as some type of aroma when heated? This doesn’t seem to make sense. The answer is, that coffee did not exist before the 15th century CE and that it was implanted by aliens.
In 1561 CE, there was a mass UFO sighting in Nuremberg, Germany. Aliens flew over the city in a large black triangular ship according to many witnesses. The ship then landed outside the city and, according to many accounts, released hundreds of cylinder and sphere like objects that sped sporadically in many directions in the sky. These can be interpreted as drone ships, although, there is no way to interpret all of their intentions, but one location that they did visit was Yemen to introduce coffee to the great trading people of the world. Why didn’t they plant coffee in Germany or England or the Americas you ask? It is because, Yemen, with its deep rooted history of trade, served as a road between cultures and civilizations. It was the perfect location for them to plant coffee to ensure that this alien drug would spread across the world in a short amount of time which is exactly what happened with stunning perfection.
In modern times, coffee is heavily consumed in the US and almost every country in the world. There is no doubt that this drug is being used to either control the populace to conform to certain ways of life or a controlled mindset. There is also the possibility that aliens may introduce, at any time, a different strain of coffee or a toxin that reacts to coffee in your system to wipe out the populace of Earth.
After my realization, I immediately attempted to make myself hurl by forcing my finger down my throat, but to no effect. My second attempt involved putting a plunger to my face and trying to pump the substance out through suction. This also did not work. In my third attempt, I envisioned what it would be like if your grandmother, mother, and sister all had a threesome together and I proceeded to vomit all over the kitchen for four hours.
Additionally, the day after my revelation I went to Starbucks to get only a muffin, not any brainwashing fluid. Upon arrival, all of the workers immediately started to stare at me which was odd. I ordered my muffin and the lady said to me “have a good day sir.” Now I had been going to this place for 10 years and not once had I been referred to as sir. Therefore, I knew that the muffin had been poisoned and the brainwashed coffee lords were on to me.
Be safe out there and stay shockuated folks!
Humphrey L. Huckleberry