As you may have noticed it isn’t winter currently. That means we are no longer living in Polar Vortexes and walking to our car isn’t like hard labor in Siberia. And as far as I know we didn’t go backwards in time into Autumn so that means it’s warm. Here are some ways to enjoy your summer as much as humanly possible.
1. Go out in the sun for extended periods of time and don’t use sunscreen. Sunscreen is just another way for Banana Boat to try and bleed us dry. How are you supposed to get that bronze body while wearing 40 spf sunscreen anyway? Do you think our ancestors had sunscreen? I DON’T THINK SO MISTER! And that redness on your skin that follows eight hours in the hot sun, that’s just your body’s way of letting you know you did a good job.
2. Are you allergic to bees? Yes? Good. The best way to battle your allergy to bees is to challenge them to kill you. That’s right, infuriate them to no end until you are swarmed by five or more bees, that intense shooting pain you’re feeling? Yes, that means their venom is now in your blood stream! Is your throat closing slowly? Don’t worry, just try and breathe harder and faster… After several times doing this you will know that bees don’t have a thing on you.
3. Do you like to go to the beach and have a few drinks? Grand, most people do, so that means you’re not a completely insane weirdo. First off, remember my first tip. Secondly, drink as much as you can and drive home drunk. This is one of the best ways you can challenge your senses, reaction time, vision and decision making. Those senses are impaired when you drink this perfectly healthy and legal poison. This high risk game is not only healthy, it’s fun! Now, you have a couple of options on how to drive drunk. The first is you can take the busiest route home you can, lots of stops and starts, cars weaving in and out of traffic. Fun. The second is to go a backway. This means, if it’s dark you will likely encounter two to three thousand deer. And if you don’t that means you will likely fall asleep at the wheel and crash into a tree. If that happens, it’s just another way to toughen up that summer body.
4. Have a barbeque! I have a lot of information on having a copious amount of fun during this activity. First, fill your bbq to the brim with charcoal. Secondly, use an entire bottle of lighter fluid on those charcoal bricks. Now, listen close because this is important, place your face as close as possible to where you are going to put the lighter or match. Did your eyebrows, eyelashes, hair or face immediately ignite? Yes?! PERFECT. This is a great way to force your eyebrows and lashes to grow back. If you think about it, we don’t challenge them enough. The smell of burning hair and flesh is one of the most pleasant known to man. Now place those burgers and brats on there. Make sure to take them off before they reach 80 degrees. Rare burgers and brats need to be cooked to 120-125. But, how are you supposed to challenge your insides to handle improperly cooked beef? I think I just showed you. If you spend two to three days with diarrhea and vomiting you did it right.
Thank you for reading and I’m wishing you the best summer you’ve had yet.
Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.
-James Dust
Oh, man. I laugh till I nearly cried when I read this :p excellent advice!