John Mayer In Shock As John Mayer Kills Himself After John Mayer Dumps Him.

Bozeman, Montana- After a highly publicized tempestuous 35 year relationship with himself that was filled with infidelity, finally ended today as John Mayer left another former lover in his wake. Neighbors heard Mayer saying, “YOU SAID MY BODY WAS A WONDERLAND!” and “I’m bigger than my body now!” The screaming at the top of his lungs like he was running through the halls of his high school was followed by a gigantic crash and feedback from a live amp.

Rumor has it that an interview in which he spoke about Jessica Simpson’s love making ability finally drove him over the edge…

(I apologize that all John Mayer ever does, excuse me did, he loved to say extremely idiotic statements that made everyone besides girls cringe, even himself obviously.)

This quote about Jessica Simpson could have been the straw that broke John Mayer’s back, “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…

There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

At press release there was no time table set for a revenge love song.