Not entirely sure where I found this in the many folders we had before the Shockuation News and antenna were created. I haphazardly pulled one out labelled 12-30-11.
I wasn’t even sure how in got into the folder because all the writing was done by me.
I think he wanted his suicide note to be sort of rhyme themed, but then it sort of turned into his last couple of days on Earth.
But we will talk after we read this poemy suicide letter, I haven’t read any beyond the first six lines.
Lets prepare:
Listen: Excuse some of the coarse language, I didn’t write it did I???
——————————————————–
I would love to see you one last time
My only reason would be to see you cry
You would tell me I did for one day
So just go fuck off and die
And then I would
I would just go fucking die
Somewhere in either a secluded park
Or in the middle of the road
On Christmas eve
So the only people to save me would be wasted Santa Clauses
It would be ok, I would tell them I’m not very good at grammar so you can go away
He would belch and puke and I would think this dying is harder than I thought
I would pass out in the snow, I would wake the next day with a cop in my face
He would ask what I’m doing
I would tell him this is where I live
All my elves are out doing their jobs
Forgive my appearance I haven’t been inside
Would you like to come in and have some coffee
The police officer looked behind me and there was only snow
He was about to write a ticket, looked at me again and let me go
I would have to work on this dying stuff a little harder.
It was now Christmas, I didn’t care about Jesus or my family
Finally, I saw on the street that had that look in his eye like yup, I can get you high. I approached him and I asked if he had any drugs?
He did, so I smartly went along with him hoping to be stabbed to death or nearly beaten to death and left in the zero degrees temperature to become like all those people you see in the movies with icicles hanging from their noises.
We turned the corner and walked into I guess you could call a flat and he had laid the drugs out for like a buffet. I knew what they all were and the combination and the problems with having an easy death. I knew that I needed to not overdose by taking too many of one pill because that will just leave me sick and puking. I needed to take a few downers of different families. I needed drugs that would slow my central nervous system and I would fall asleep. I paid for what I needed asked if I could lay there until I got high and he said yes. I felt the drugs kicking, I said good bye and went to the place last night.
There were still Santa Clauses running around drunk on whiskey and taking turns laughing between pukes. I was getting very tired and I liked that.
The next thing I remember is showing up to a funeral, there were so many people there. It was me, I walked to the casket and said to myself, “GOD YOU LOOK DEAD!”
I spied on everyone, saw who was there. I was satisfied you were there and the smallest tear was enough, even if it was with your douchey new boyfriend.
So satisfied I jolted up in my coffin and played the keyboard as hard as I could. I leaped and screamed out I LOVE EMBALMING FLUID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
————————————–
This man has never been heard from again. This is where being an investigatory journalist has it’s pros and cons. Pros, finding a cool story. Cons- not really caring today.
I made one phone call that was to Stone And Family Funeral Chapel. I asked if they remembered anyone jumping out of their coffin and playing a keyboard super hard.
They said yes they did.
Could I have his name and the number to his parents’ house?
They kindly obliged.
I made another call. Hello, Mrs. Lampost, some how I found a story in my office of his amazing story. Do you know where he is?
Yes, I do. He is the CEO of Stain Remove LLC.
So, did he ever explain to you why he did this and how he managed to live through all of that. I never did get quite to the point of that with him. Maybe you want to call over there and ask him yourself.
Thank you very much for your time.
I called and asked for Mr. Lampost.
She said, “Who is this and what does this concern?”
-I’m Coyote Rush, put me through
– OH, OK SORRY
-Don’t you worry your pretty little head.
(Sometimes I like to pretend on I’m a western movie.)
– Hello?
– Hello Mr. Lampost!
– Who is this, well it’s Coyote Rush from the Shockuation Room.
– Ah, yes, I should have known you would call at some point.
– So could you tell me a little more about the odd suicide note and the odd experience of waking up in coffin only to rock the keyboard and scream I love embalming fluid only to have half the crowd shocked into paralysis and the other half running for the nearest exit I heard that someone ran right through a pane glass window.
-The keyboard thing is something I’ve always wanted to do. The botched suicide was just that, my body just go tired and didn’t die. Then the embalming fluid made me feel more alive than I had been.
– I see, what about that letter.
– Like you probably noticed I wanted it to be a poem all rhymey and cutesy, but then I could do it. And after the first few lines in which I did get to see her and she told me to fuck off and die, I decided that’s the best thing I could do, I have nothing going for me. I have neighbors that have rebel flags hanging outside their windows. It was around that point I made up my mind and there was no turning back.
– Are you glad to be around?
– Yeah, I made $150,000 a year now.
– Lucky for you! We obviously have enough to make a few phone calls! YES SIR! Goodbye, Mr. Lampost
