(This is a continuation of Taffy Hawkley’s series on Port Authority)
PITTSBURGH, PA – In a further attempt to get people to just stop riding the bus, Port Authority is hiring people to poop on buses to maximize discomfort.
“On my way up to the front of the bus to tell the bus driver that I was going to pass out from a strange smell, I saw a woman wiping her butt with a coupon booklet,” said Tina Delfunkis.
Delfunkis stated that bus driver, Al Kowzintski, pulled the bus over and opened the doors, threatening to go no further unless the offending passenger exited the bus.
“When he opened the doors, I just got out and started
walking,” said Delfunkis. “I had my Roethlisberger jersey on and I didn’t want it getting all stinky.”
The woman who pooped, who wishes only to be revealed as Delores, said that Delfunkis’s response is exactly what they were trying to accomplish. “I was out one day on the bus wearing sweatpants and rollers in my hair and I was on the phone cussing out my cousin for being a dumbass when I was approached by some bus officials. They said I looked like the type of person that would shit my pants for money, and I told them they came to the right person!”
Delores further stated that if enough buses were shit on, ridership would decline and the impending bus cuts would effect fewer people.
Director of Strategic Implementation, Ricky Dickerson, stated that their plan has been a success. “So far, 23 buses have been shit on, and ridership is down 18 percent. This way when we completely cut all the buses later this year, it won’t even be that big of a deal!”
