She forgot her login, we are working on that…
But I felt this was so important it couldn’t wait!
PITTSBURGH, PA — With the onset of hot summer weather, local Port Authority officials have found the answers to their recent budget problems.
“We’re basically just going to make people so uncomfortable that they stop riding the buses BEFORE we cut all of the routes in September,” says Bart Fartel, director of customer relations with Pittsburgh’s Port Authority. “Everyone will be too distracted by how crappy the bus ride is to realize that we’re totally screwing them over.”
Fartel explained that nearly half of Pittsburgh’s buses are to be cut in September, which will drastically reduce mobility. Unemployment in the city is expected to go up by 10% because of the reduction in transportation.
“It’ll work out perfectly. ‘Cause, see, we got all these foreigners with no drivers licenses moving here to go to these fancy schools ‘n’ all that. If we take away the buses, maybe it’ll keep all these outsiders from comin here. We really only want true citizens of the Steeler Nation living within city limits.”
Director of Strategic Implementation, Ricky Dickerson, says changes have already started occurring. “We’ve taken the air conditioning units out of over 40 buses and drained antifreeze from nearly 2/3 of our fleet to encourage discomfort, overheating and breakdowns. People are pretty pissed and ridership is down 30%, so it seems like our plan is working so far.”
Pittsburgh native Judy Colonoflinowitcziski said she’s had to quit her job because the bus to work is just too unbearable. “I’m selling my Steelers memorabilia to keep up with rent payments for now.”
This story is dedicated from me and Taffy to Ashley Rae Buchinger