Hi, I’m James Dust, some of you might know me from places like the ‘internet’ or ‘Facebook’, but if not: now you do.
Anyway, I was asked by my college buddy, Coyote Rush to join the site’s fine cast of investigatory journalists. So I did. And this is why this is being typed and you are moving your eyes from left to right unless you’re completely reading things wrong. But, if you are still understanding what I’m saying, GOOD for you!
The reason I am writing is because I heard of a man that isn’t a fan of the internet. So, I knew that was a hot lead and needed to be acted on quickly before that dang Charles Gibson snags up another blasted red hot story. So I took the midnight train headed anywhere. Well, it really was headed for anywhere, but I kindly asked the train conductor to take me to Mobile, Alabama. So, thankfully for me, he did.
Mobile, AL- Mobile citizen Edward Cutlery, 91, “can’t seem to figure what all the fuss is about that dag gum inter-whats-it. Dab nabit, all the young people today walking around with things plugged in their ears, singing God knows what, coming out of their mouths!”
Cutlery has been seen chasing groups of preadolescences listening to Lady Gaga: up and down the sidewalk while barely maintaining his silk boxer briefs with heart shapes on them around his waist, screaming, “You pretweens! Come back here! This neighborhood isn’t meant for your ‘heavy metal, rock n’ roll’ music! Take your Roy Orbison and Ipaddles to your room and don’t come out here for a week!”
–At press release Edward Cutlery was noted to be swinging emphatically at a group of approximetely five thirteen year old girls screaming “get out of here you street walkers! Not in this neighborhood!”
-James Dust-