Boring, Oregon-
An area resident named Patches Mcguildersnot, an avid television viewer did something rather unusual.
I took the first EVER bullet train in America to get there.
Sadly, they don’t exist in the USA, for whatever reason. Unknowingly, I waited at a train depot for a period of time that is between five minutes and three years awaiting its arrival. I need to start calling ahead more.
My alternate mode of transportation was my next best option, my back up to my back up vehicle. I burned thirty-eight cds for the trip, so I took those and some extra clothes I threw into an abandoned wood stove I was given as a present by a late uncle and proceeded to get into my 1995 red Chevy Astro Van.
The roughly 609 mile trip was spent singing Africa by Toto and other 80’s classics like Lady in Red by Chris DeBurgh, and every single Madonna song that came out during that decade.
As I pulled into town I was instantly bored. My cd player obviously fed up with playing 80’s jams quit working. The air conditioning, sensing the moment to join in the anarchy started blowing air with the aroma of stale kitten breath was shut off promptly.
Walking up the driveway to Mcguildersnot’s residence I saw and heard a very peculiar sight and sound. Patch, as he likes people that come from out of state to call him, was hanging out the window of his second story home screaming “It’s my money and I need it now!” Over and over and over. And over and over and over, seriously. I don’t know how he does it.
When I managed to get him to stop for a moment to answer my question of “Mr. Mcguildersnot could you tell me a little about what you’re doing right now?” He stopped and said, “I’m so sick of these commercials suggesting something in their advertisement and it being completely unreliable. I have, for the last two days rotated between this window and my telephone. I come up here and yell it’s my money and I need it now. Then walk down stairs, pick up the phone and call J.G. Wentworth to ask where my money is. I’ve been yelling out my window to all of God’s creation and it’s no where to be found. I’m just sick of it. Last year, I found a caveman, brought him home and tried to get him to sign me up for insurance through Gieco. It didn’t work.”
At press release he was wandering through town dressed as the King from Burger King trying to hand out hamburgers he made himself.
Stay Tuned
Coyote Rush
