Prologue:
In my continuing pursuit to bring the world the hottest, most pertinent, absolutely spell binding news, I stumbled upon news that just could not be ignored any longer. I knew that the world must have the blinders pulled from its eyes, it was time. The size of the town does not factor in to the fact there is all sorts of news. Small towns can produce some of the biggest news in the world, and I’m not overlooking those towns.
Story:
This is an example of one of those small towns making big news. Oh, news, news swirled around me, then, that news made my blood sit up in my veins and say, “Coyote, listen, do you hear that? That’s news.” Now, maybe it’s me, but when my blood stands up and tells me to do something, I listen and I listen good. News is something I don’t take lightly and if you take news for granted then I pity you and your family.
The news from Mio, Michigan came under my door, slide up the couch, sat next to me and smacked me in the face. Mio has a population of roughly 2,000 people according to the 2000 census. According to the Oscoda Herald, , the Ambulance department in the first three months has increased 20% since last year during the same time period. This might seem as insignificant news to most run of the mill journalists, but if you dig deeper, you start asking some questions. What would cause this jump? Has injury prone people moved into the area forcing the ambulances to be deployed more often? Are the town officials actually trying to cover something up? Is Elvis still alive? How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Got Milk? And so on.
The thing that truly appalled me was the fact that there was no effort to explain what would cause this increase. I am forced to believe that everyone besides me must believe it perfectly normal to not explain the cause. Now, other issues are understandably not explained because of their unimportant nature, but a jump of ambulance use by 20%, really Mio?
After reading the article I immediately flew a hot air balloon to Mio. Coming into the town I could smell deception in the air and did it stink. If you try to hide news, you’ll just cause bigger, uglier news. After I climbed down from the top of a tree in which my balloon got snagged in, I started my inspection. I soon came about a man who called himself “Flipper.” Flipper was a young man that carried a switch-blade, obviously not trusting the local government. After much self grooming and mentions of rubber duckies, Flipper told me that it seemed that there was not an hour that went by in the day that he didn’t hear the ambulance or a police sirens scream through the town. Supposedly, the sound of sirens increased dramatically after darkness fell.
Upon this news I lost all control of my bodily functions. I was above myself staring down at my body while it was doing some of the strangest things I had ever seen. I started dancing, moonwalk, the robot, the worm and then I did the tango with Flipper. An ambulance went by and the sirens sounded as if it were saying, newwwwwsssss, neeeewsssss, neeeeewsssss. Amazingly at that moment I snapped back into my body while I was kneeling in front of Flipper with a rock that I was using to propose to Flipper. I stood up a second later and said, “never mind that I was just testing you, goodbye.” Flipper was confused but walked away looking disappointed.
I went to a local diner and sat down to think. I ordered a coffee, three pieces of cherry pie, fourteen glazed donuts and three steaks. By the time I was done with my meal I had formulated a pretty good idea of what was happening.
Let me recap:
The ambulance department has increased usage by 20% since the end of last year. The city officials have failed to even attempt an explanation for the increase. The sirens increased dramatically at night.
I will come right out with it. I wasn’t sure yet.
Could it be aliens? No, of course not, get serious. Could it be a bizarre attack of mutant grasshoppers? Maybe. Mio has been being ravaged the first four months of the year by something and didn’t know how to handle it or break the truth to its people. I had to find more information. I left the waitress $317.43 for the meal and headed straight to the hospital.
As I approached the hospital, things felt funky. The day was turning to night and I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into here in Mio. I walked through the hospital doors and spoke with a friendly man at the front desk. I asked him if I could speak with the ambulance director, but he was not in. Instead they let me talk to the janitor who moonlighted as the assistant ambulance director.
Tony Rigaronni was an older gentleman. He seemed extremely uneasy by the fact that I wanted to speak with someone from the ambulance department. Upon learning that I was Coyote Rush from the Shockuation Room, he became clearly insane.
I asked him why he thought the ambulance usage had increased since last year. He looked right at me for 28 minutes straight. Suddenly he looked panicked and pointed at something behind me, I turned to look and didn’t see anything. I turned back around to see him running out of the office.
I gave chase. The footrace lead me all throughout the hospital. I thought to myself, “where the heck am I?” I was totally lost in a hospital that I had never been in before. After wandering around for a bit, I stumbled out into the ambulance parking garage. I approached one of the ambulances as I noticed that every ambulance had a driver and were running. It seemed like they all turned on their sirens simultaneously. They drove out of the parking garage systematically. As the sirens faded into the distance I felt that no one had seen me so I found a secluded place and hid for the ambulances to return.
The sirens grew loudly and I sat in wait. The ambulances drove in one by one and parked. All turning off their siren as the reached a specific spot in the garage. The ambulance drivers got out and went to the back of the ambulance. They swung open the doors and began to pull out very pale and odd passengers that were in heavy restraints. The drivers took the many sickly looking passengers into the hospital. As they got closer to me I could see that these people were not well. They were without any color at all and appeared to be foaming at the mouth while making horrible groaning noises. After the last unfortunate patient was helped inside, I followed. I opened the door and they were gone. I walked around the hospital trying to find anyone. The hospital had become deserted. The lighting was suddenly very bad and I felt like I was in a poorly written horror story.
I walked the hospital half hoping to run into someone and half hoping to find an exit. I made my way into the cafeteria, I was parched. I spotted a pop machine and walked toward it with glee as much of my uneasiness slightly faded. I put two dollars into the pop machine and ordered a nice Dr. Pepper. As soon as the machine kicked out the pop, all the lights came on full and I turned around. The cafeteria was full of hospital workers and the half dead looking patients. A well dressed doctor came forward.
“Coyote Rush?” she said.
I said, “Yes.”
“Hello my name is Sara Van Dazzle.” she said.
“That’s a nice name.” I said.
“Aw well thank you, that’s kind. However, I did not come to flirt with you.”
“Oh, ok, then what did you come here for?” I said.
“I came to kill you.”
“Oh, I thought we kinda just had a moment there.” I said.
“We did, and this pains me, but it was what I was paid to do.” she said.
“Paid? To do what? And what does that have to do with me?”
“Well, Mr. Rush. We have been watching you for some time and we know your obsession with news. We have been having a little bit of a zombie problem for a month or so if you haven’t noticed from these fine individuals. Anyway, the city manager decided to have a staff writer from the paper write an article that you would find irresistible. We had him give just enough information all the time leaving out crucial bits of news that would drive you mad, forcing you to investigate.” she said.
“Wait, did you say news?”
“What? Don’t you care what’s going to happen to you?” she said.
“Of course I do, it’s news.” I said.
“Oh my god, stop talking about news.”
“You just said it again.” I said.
“Forget it, release them, I’m out.” as she walked out of the cafeteria.
I stood there wondering what I said. The hospital workers unstrapped all of the sickly looking patients that I recently found out were zombies. I ran behind the serving window and thought of what the heck I could do to combat these slow moving, brain hungry, half dead humans. I found a variety of condiment guns that were used to place mayo, ketchup and mustard, respectively. I grabbed the three of them and ran at the zombies. I shot the concoction into their eyes and then tried to spray the ground to hopefully act as in my mind, an oil slick from a cartoon or video game.
The zombies with random food flavoring sauce in their eyes were slowed even more and I ran to a window. Suddenly, I heard “get down, shut up, don’t mention news.” So, I did. Suddenly through the window I heard fully automatic machine gun fire. I turned toward the zombies to see them being mowed down. Within a few seconds the zombies were no more. I stood up to see who saved me. It was Sara Van Dazzle.
“I knew we had a moment.” I said.
“Seriously, stop talking.” she said.
So I did. We walked to the city managers home, Sara still having her fully automatic machine guns and I still carrying the mayo, mustard and ketchup guns. We knocked. The door slowly opened with our knock. Sitting in the dark was who I thought was the city manager. I didn’t even know his name. I was off to a bad interview. The man told us to come sit down. We did.
“So, you think you’re pretty smart do you Mr. Rush?” the man said.
“Well, kinda, but I honestly have no clue what’s going on, I don’t get it.” I said.
“You were not put into this position to get it Mr. Rush.” he said.
“Oh, well then I guess I am doing ok.” I said.
“Shut up! Don’t you understand?! Mio is the perfect place for us! We had to do this and you ruined it!” he said.
“uh…”
“Shut up! Don’t you understand how long this process was? First I had to gain trust and get the city manager position then we created a bacteria that would turn them into brain eating freaks and rid the town of humans. Then and only then could we relocate my planet We brought you here to kill you because we knew no one besides Coyote Rush would care about news in a small town!” he said as he stood up and unzipped his skin like a human jump suit.
“Why did you have to be the city manager to put this plan in motion?” I said.
“Rush! You don’t get it! You ruined my planet.” he said.
“uh…”
“Now you will die!” he said.
The only problem with this statement was when he unzipped his human jump suit he was reduced to 5 inches in height. I squashed him dead, sadly. After that we called the police and told them the story, we left out that Sara Van Dazzle had tried to kill me only to save my life later. In the city manager’s home I found a jet pack and flew out of Mio.
How’s that for news?
You’re in the Shockuation Room.
Until next time, keep your eyes open! And stay tuned.
Coyote Rush
Artist Rendering of Zombie
