At approximately 7:10 P.M. on April 24th, 2011 Vinny of Jersey Shore let us in on quite possibly the biggest news story of the year! The 23 year old star of the Jersey boardwalk shocked his 1,096,404 Twitter followers by telling a very large secret. In his shocking tweet he revealed this about himself, “I love sports trash talk, but at the end of the day its just a game. Athletes don’t pay my rent. I still love you all #happyeaster.”
At the site of this my jaw dropped to the floor. There was so much news in this singular tweet that some gland released a potent chemical hallucinogen in my brain and I was instantly floating in a sea of news. I was high in the air, but all around me were computers, televisions, laptops, radios, newspapers, magazines, pamphlets and ancient scrolls all full of news. There were men and women floating behind podiums blasting their wonderful news into microphones! I couldn’t read or listen fast enough to absorb all the news. I was turning in every direction and I, to my surprise had multiple recording devices. I still couldn’t keep up. After what seemed like hours, I awoke to find myself sprawled in the middle of the kitchen floor surrounded by glass after glass filled with chocolate milk.
After closer inspection I was not laying on the floor, but instead a makeshift bed made from a vast quantity of mass media (NEWS!). I couldn’t figure it out, but knew that something important had just happened and I struggled to remember what could have caused this strange series of events. After picking up the thirty nine glasses full of chocolate milk, I had a revelation. It was something that someone said on Twitter. I went back to my computer to research what it could have said. I came across the statement so full of news it caused me to go into a psychotic episode, “I love sports trash talk, but at the end of the day its just a game. Athletes don’t pay my rent. I still love you all #happyeaster..”
In this one tweet, Vinny let us know that he loves sports trash talk, but he didn’t mean it personally, but, even more shocking was the second part of this tweet. He let us in on his private life, that someone besides athletes pay his rent! Who could it be? A woman? A man? Donald Trump? Frank Stallone? Aliens? MTV? This was unclear and I knew there had to be some great news somewhere. Supposedly Vinny gets roughly $30,000 an episode. The way the cast spends money *my calculation is that Vinny is roughly $381,115 dollars in the hole*. Thus, coming back to the original question, who pays his rent!? He didn’t mention that to his loyal fan base. The last part of his tweet I found to be rather charming, not only spreading love to the world, but also wishing everyone a happy Easter. Joy.
All information received was from a reliable New Jersean named Giovanni Rossi, pictured below during one of the brief periods when fist pumping is not occurring.
If you have any information on who possibly pays his rent, please let me know as soon as possible.
Remember, you’re in the Shockuation Room!
*Coyote Rush only passed Math 058 in college and does not claim to be accurate.
