True Story: Part 1

Listen:

I woke up today and I was tired. It just so happened that a man who doesn’t have a name woke up and did the same thing. Where he lives is as unimportant as a horse sniffing glue. Even though he doesn’t have a name his name is Cough Depressant. Now, answer me this, would you rather have that name or no name? Case closed. We all would pick Cough Depressant.

Anyway, CD woke up and was excruciatingly tired. He said to himself “Shit, I should have got more sleep last night.” He replied to himself, saying “Stop your whining, seriously, you’re pathetic, you got 23 hours of sleep last night!” “You liar, I only got 17 and a half!” “No you didn’t!” Anyway, this went on for some time. Finally, after CD had exhausted himself into a heavy sweat he decided he better take a nap. Both sides of him agreed with that strategy.

CD slept for quite a long time. I couldn’t be sure the exact length of time because none of his clocks work in his apartment. As a matter of fact, where he is from a working clock that maintains the correct time is outlawed and punishable by having all of the toes of the accused person pulled until cracked, not broken, just the knuckle in the toe, (if there is one) cracked; a good, loud, healthy pop!

PAY ATTENTION!

Most of CD’s clocks purposely were set to shut off every three and a half hours, that is if that’s actually what time they shut off, others were set to randomly turn to whatever damn time they felt. It was a crazy world inside his apartment. Some of the clocks were operated to stay at the wrong time by sloths. The sloths did a good job, but the clocks they maintained could almost always be counted on being behind. Others were operated by hummingbirds that some how continuously were taking amphetamines. Those clocks could ALWAYS be counted on being WAY WAY ahead.

There was a group of penguins that did all the custodial work around his apartment. They came in every day for give or take fourteen hours. They did a great job, besides all the fish and poop they left behind. So to clean up after the penguins CD hired a group of narcissistic robots. They were there for the reminder of the day give or take 9 hours. The robots didn’t get much work done. They picked up some of the poop and most of the fish each day, but unfortunately for CD he had mirrors by each of the trash receptacles in his apartment. The robots every time they were throwing whatever hunk of junk away would gaze for unknown periods of time at themselves lovingly in the mirror.